The Batfamily Goes Grocery Shopping
by Sohotthateveryonedied
Summary: Alfred is sick, so Bruce and the Batfam have to go to Walmart and do the shopping. Batfamily crack! Bruce is suffering.


Alfred usually went grocery shopping on Wednesdays. That was how the system had worked for years in Wayne Manor. He would plan out everything they would need during the week and buy it all on the same day, thus sustaining the family for an entire week with minimal effort. This particular Wednesday, however, the Wayne family butler was quarantined in his room with the flu.

Dick bounded downstairs towards the kitchen where the rest of the family was already gathered. Bruce, Cass, and Damian were seated at the kitchen island, while Tim and Jason scavenged the pantry for some food. Everyone was hungry, but with Alfred out of commission there was no one to go shopping.

Jason jumped up at Dick's arrival. "How is he?", he asked eagerly.

Dick shook his head. "Sick as a dog. He's going to be out for a couple days at least."

His siblings all groaned in disappointment and he shook his head sadly. This family could barely survive two hours without their surrogate grandfather, let alone a few days. Jason and Tim both wailed in misery, collapsing on the floor for dramatic effect.

"But foooood!", Jason wailed.

Tim screeched on the floor beside him. "We're hungryyyyy", he moaned.

Dick quickly grew tired of their whining and called the room to order. "Fine, you guys want food? Then get in the car. We're going grocery shopping." And with that he turned on his heel and marched out the door in the direction of the garage. The others were silent for a beat, then slowly got up and proceeded after him.

There was an air of worry, as the entire family had never before gone shopping all together. Family trips such as this more often than not cause chaos and never end well.

Damian heaved a sigh before following the rest, muttering, "This will end badly."

...

"Jason, I swear to God. If you don't move over I'm going to stick a pencil on your eye!", Tim threatened from where he was squished between Jason and the window in the backseat of Bruce's Mom Van™, a vehicle that was only used exclusively for family outings.

"I would be able to move over if the mutt didn't have to tag along" Jason said, glaring at Titus who was planted in the seat beside him.

"You leave him alone, Todd! You know he likes car trips and deserves to sit in a proper seat, unlike you."

Tim kicked the seat in front of him, trying to make leg room. "But was the car seat really necessary? He's not going to die if he doesn't have a seat belt."

"How about I kill you and he can use your seat belt!"

"Don't make me come back there, boys!" , Bruce barked from the driver's seat. Dick sat next to him fiddling with the radio until one of his favorite songs came on. "Oh, yes! Hot reservoir, this is my jelly! _It's. The. Eye of the tiger it's the thrill of the fight! Rising up to the challenge of our rival!_ ", he sang as loud as his voice allowed. .

Groans came from every other passenger until Cass, who sat behind him, finally punched him in the back of the neck, silencing him. She was met with applause.

...

They settled on going to Walmart, as Bruce had no idea where Alfred usually shopped but this seemed like the easiest option.

They all scattered the second they entered the doors, aside from Cass and Tim who stayed with Bruce like the loyal children they were.

The trio started with frozen foods. Tim grabbed everything he saw that looked even remotely appetizing and tossed it into the awaiting basket like an NBA player.

"Tim. You can't just buy four bags of pizza rolls", Bruce said.

Tim didn't even pause and instead tossed two more bags into the shopping cart. "I need them."

"For what?!"

"Life."

...

Jason and Dick wandered off towards the sports equipment. Jason found a large red snowboard and brought it over to Dick, brandishing it like it was a fine prize and not just a plastic board.

"Can I get this?"

Dick rolled his eyes. "You have no idea how to snowboard, Jay."

"I can snowboard better than you!", Jason defended himself.

A sly smile crept across Ducks face. "Oh, really? How about a little challenge, then?"

Jason thought for a moment before widening his eyes with excitement. "What kind of wager?"

...

Damian wandered around looking for nothing in particular. He and Titus ended up in the toy section simply out of curiosity. Grayson always bothered him about not being a normal child, so he'd figured he should try to understand more of the culture. He walked down the aisles lazily until one shelf in particular made him freeze.

It was a wall consisting every Batman toy you could think of. Dolls, costumes, balls, anything one could imagine having Batman on it was there and it was glorious. Especially when Damian discovered that next to it was an equally large shelf populated with Robin merchandise.

He quickly pulled out his phone to commemorate the moment.

...

Dick's phone buzzed. He pulled it out and found ten pictures that Damian had sent to him of himself purchasing enough Batman toys to keep an entire orphanage happy. Dick squealed at the sheer amount of cuteness of his baby brother buying Batman merchandise.

"Hey, Jaybird! Look at what Dami sent me."

"Dick, there are more important matters at hand, like my big moment of fame. You got the camera going?" Jason tipped down the visor of his helmet and placed the snowboard on top of the tall shelf on which he stood.

Dick fiddled with his phone for a second before finally turning it on Jason. "Yup. Do it for the vine, Jay."

...

"Bruce, I'm tired" Cass complained. Bruce had spent the last ten minutes trying to decide between two brands of shampoo and she felt like blowing up her brain from boredom.

"I heard you the first five times, Cassie", he grunted tiredly.

"I want to sit in the cart."

"No."

"Yes."

"NO."

"My leg is going to fall off."

"Cas-"

"Owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww" She fell on the floor, curled up and rolling in fake pain. Bruce ignored his daughters antics until he noticed people staring and heard whispers of him being such a bad father. He blushed when an old lady glared at him, shaking her head in disappointment.

...

Ten minutes later and Cass was sitting happily in the basket, waving cutely at customers as Bruce pushed her up and down the aisles. Cass took up too much room for both her and the groceries, so Bruce had been forced to get two shopping carts, one of which Tim was currently pushing next to him. Whenever Bruce wasn't looking he threw random items into it.

...

On the other side of the store Jason stood on top of one of the stores larger shelves, ready to take off and make Walmart history. "Okay, just take me through it one more time so we're clear, Dickiebird."

Ten feet below him stood Dick, his phone camera trained on him. "Slide across over the aisle onto the next shelf, jump to the shed on display, slide down that onto the ramp of paper towels, and land in the ball pit, all without dying. Got it?"

"Got it."

Jason tipped the edge of his board over the shelf, preparing for liftoff. He flashed Dick a thumbs up before pushing off into the air.

He sailed across the aisle over several customers' heads until he hit the much lower shelf on the opposite side. He skidded across the top of it until he jumped onto a nearby plastic shed. He slid down that until he spotted the ramp Dick had built out of paper towel packages. Instead of sliding down it like he'd planned, he instead crashed into it headfirst, his snowboard landing on the floor right next to a very angry Bruce. Oops.

Jason lay there in his paper towel landing pad, looking up at Bruce's form, waiting for something to happen. After seconds of staring, Bruce finally looked up at the ceiling and muttered a quiet "why me?". He then walked away, pushing Cass still in her shopping cart and leaving his two sons unsure of whether they should be relieved or concerned about his anticlimactic reaction.

...

Damian had begun riding Titus around like a horse, letting the canine lead the way around the store. The dog took him into the pet food aisle, where he started drooling all over the floor at the walls of treats and snacks. Damian wound up taking one of everything and riding Titus all the way to the registers.

He approached the self checkout station and tried getting it to work on his own, but soon found that he had no idea how. A nearby employee saw his frustration and tried to assist.

"Do you need some help, young man?"

"Tt, I need no help. I've taken down twenty-four ninjas at once with one hand behind my back and a blindfold, I think I can operate this contraption." He went back to figuring out how to scan his box of dog biscuits.

"You- wait-... Huh?"

"Never mind. How do I get the machine to recognize my purchase?"

The employee carefully took the box from his hands and showed him how to use the self checkout, but eventually he just let her check out all eleven items for him. Once everything was scanned and paid for he got back into Titus' back, feeding him a few treats and riding off back to where the rest of the family was.

The employee watched him go, murmuring, "What a weird kid", under her breath.

...

Tim was looking at hair products when suddenly Dick ran up to him at the speed of light. "Tim! Tim! Timmmmm!"

"What, Dick?!", Tim asked as he covered his ears against his brother's excited yelling.

"Look at what I found!" From behind his back Dick pulled out a toothbrush.

Tim waited, but Dick just continued to hold out his prize. "Is that it..?"

Dick spluttered in shock. "Timmy! I am disappointed in you. I thought my little brother would be educated enough to understand the huge importance of a _Spongebob Squarepants toothbrush!"_

Tim facepalmed.

...

Jason spotted an attractive woman in the bread aisle and sauntered up to her.

"Well, hellooooo, nurse! Jason Todd, nice to meet you." He stuck out a hand, which she stared at before turning back to her bread search.

He frowned, clearly not getting anywhere. So he pulled out the big gun.

"You know, not to brag, but I died once."

...

"On your mark! Get set! Go!"

Bruce turned just in time to see Cass and Tim, each in the basket of a shopping cart, barreling down the aisle as fast as one could possibly go in just a basket on wheels. They were being pushed by Dick and Jason respectively. Damian and Titus held a length of duct tape a few inches above the ground, most likely serving as the finish line.

Both vehicles hit the tape at the same time, the momentum flipping them over and leaving all six sprawled out on the floor with the two shopping carts crashing on top of them.

Bruce pretended he didn't know them and walked away before he could be blamed.

...

"Do it."

"No."

"Do it."

"NO."

"I'll give you a stick of gum and a rubber band if you do."

"...Deal."

Tim grabbed the store microphone while Jason chuckled darkly behind him.

"ATTENTION ALL CUSTOMERS. THE FIRST PERSON TO GIVE THE MANAGER A HUG GETS A 50% DISCOUNT. ALSO, I AM LONELY. THAT IS ALL."

...

Dick walked around the electronics section, finding Tim fiddling with one of the large televisions on the wall. "Watcha doing, Timbo?"

"You'll see" Tim replied in a sly voice. Just seconds later every tv in the store switched to the same music video and played a soft piano intro at the highest possible volume.

Dick pumped a fist in the air. "Yaaassss, this is my jam!"

Let It Go blasted from every speaker in the store, matched only by the volume at which Tim and Dick screamed the lyrics, singing as if their lives depended on it. It was a very emotional three and a half minutes for the whole store.

...

"Dad, where's the bathroom?"

Bruce looked at Cassandra, pulled away from his previous endeavor of looking for the brand of barbeque sauce Alfred always got. "I don't know, go look around for it."

"Noooooooo"

"Then I don't know what you want me to do, Cassie."

"Take me? I don't want to go alone. It's a big store; I will get lost and die."

Bruce groaned and rubbed his temples. "Fine fine fine. Excuse me?", he asked a nearby employee. "Where are the restrooms?"

The employee pointed to the end of the aisle where the bathroom sign was. Bruce brought Cass over to the door and watched her walk in before picking out a random book from a shelf nearby to flip through while he waited.

Thirty minutes later he saw her return from the exact opposite side of the store. "There you are! Where have you been?"

She licked an ice cream cone and adjusted her new hat with a fish on it, neither of which were sold at that particular store. "Got lost. Ended up at Taco Bell. It was weird."

She jumped back into the shopping cart basket and completely ignored the bemused expression on her adoptive father's face.

...

Jason wandered around, unsure of what to do with himself. That is, until he spotted a customer looking at dvds, who just happened to look a lot like Johnny Depp.

Jay walked up behind him and whispered just millimeters away from his ear, "Are you Johnny Depp?"

The guy jumped a foot in the air and turned around to see Jason staring at him excitedly. "Um, no?"

Jason put a hand on his shoulder and winked. "It's okay, Johnny. I'll keep your secret."

He moonwalked away, leaving the poor man so confused.

...

"Free sample?"

Dick turned to see a woman holding a tray of mini hot dogs towards him. "Oooohhhh. Yes, please." He took one and ate it, smiling with the upmost happiness. "Yum. Can I have another?"

The employee nodded and within five minutes he had managed to eat every mini hot dog on the tray, including a few that hadn't yet even been cooked. There were no more free samples that day.

...

"Bruce, can I have that frog?", Tim asked as he pointed to an iguana in its glass tank.

"That's not a frog, Tim", Bruce sighed.

"Bruce, can I have that not frog?", Tim amended.

"No."

Tim crossed his arms and pouted grumpily. "Why not? He will be a great pet. I could name him Harry so I can say 'You're a lizard, Harry', and I can make him into a vigilante. He shall be a valiant hero."

"No means no, Tim."

"But you let Damian keep a dog, a cat, a turkey, a cow, and a demon creature thing."

"That's because Damian isn't a sleep-deprived anxious mess, son."

Tim put his hand over his heart, feeling that insult in his very soul. "Well excuse me, Mr. I Need To Adopt As Many Orphans As Possible In The Sad Hope That Maybe They Can Fill The Void In My Life That I Blame On Having My Parents Killed Five Billion Years Ago But Is Really Because Of My Own Emotional Constipation." Tim snapped in a Z formation before strutting away like the boss he was, leaving Bruce so tired of his kids and regretting even considering taking them all in in the first place.

...

"Excuse me? Sir?"

Jason opened his eyes to find an employee staring at him. "What?"

The employee clasped his hands matter-of-factly. "You can't just sleep on the bed displays. I'm going to have to ask you to get off of the mattress, please."

Jason groaned and rolled over on the fluffy bed. It felt like a cloud made of feathers and rainbows, and he wasn't about to just give that up. He pulled out a gun. "Mine."

The employee got scared and ran away, Jay waving his gun at his retreating form before going back to sleep.

...

Damian rode Titus up to Bruce. "Father."

Bruce had been looking for a tie to match his favorite suit. "What, Damian?"

"I am buying these." He tossed some seemingly random items into the cart. There was a pogo stick, cat food, a cowboy hat, a box of salad dressing mix, and an empty jar.

Bruce stared at him for a while in confusion, but Damian simply turned around and galloped away valiantly.

...

"Marco!"

"..."

"Marco!"

"..."

"Marco!"

Damian approached Dick and Cass, where they crouched behind a magazine stand. They were giggling hysterically at Tim, who walked around with his eyes closed and constantly bumped into things.

"What are you doing?"

Dick turned to Dami, trying to stifle his laughter. "We got Tim to play Marco Polo. He's been playing for ten minutes", he snickered.

"Marc- oof!", Tim screamed as he tripped over a wet floor sign and fell flat on his face.

...

Jason wandered outside of the store for a cigarette, noticing one of those rocket ship rides by the entrance. Seeing as there was no one around, he snuck up to it and put a quarter in, climbing in for the ride.

He was obviously way too big, so he kind of just climbed on top and clung on as the rocket moved around. After a while he sat back and enjoyed the ride, waving at customers and giving Damian the finger when he asked for a turn.

...

Tim placed a box of cheese-its in the baby seat part of the shopping cart and even buckled the seat belt. Bruce at this point was exhausted, just wanting to drop his kids off in the middle of the highway and drive away. Tim smiled innocently at him, probably expecting Bruce to say something about why that's useless or how unhealthy his strange live for the cheesy snacks are.

Instead Bruce just started at him tiredly, eventually closing his eyes and going, "Why?".

Tim simply skipped away, off to find more snacks.

...

Three hours later and the group of bats were checking out all of their items. Bruce didn't think there were this many products in the shopping carts before, right? He didn't remember buying a snowboard, a ten pack of hair spray, a large box that apparently contained a swing set, a goldfish, or a crate consisting only of green gummy bears.

"What is all of this crap?"

Dick placed a hand on Bruce's shoulder, trying to distract him from the many items that he would no doubt make them return. "Sssshhh, if you ignore it it'll go away."

Bruce at this point was so done, all he cared about was going home and taking a long nap. He decided to listen to Dick's advice and focus solely on getting home, planning to find out if he's legally allowed to physically throw his children in the garbage.

In the end their total was $43,948.25. Bruce didn't even notice the receipt, he just worried about how they would fit all to the stuff in their car. In the end they had to purchase a trailer to pull behind the van just to get all of the stuff home.

The car ride was silent until...

"Ninety-nine bottles of beer on the wall-!"

"SHUT THE HELL UP, DICK!", they chorused.

...

"Master, Bruce, you're home already", Alfred said from where he lay in his bed. "How did it go?"

Bruce stood at the foot of Alfred's bed for a few seconds, finally tipping over and falling face first on the bed, asleep before he even hit the mattress. He was so traumatized that he planned on never taking any of his kids shopping ever again. And if Alfred ever got sick again they would just have to all starve, because that was a nightmare worthy of horror movies.

Alfred just nodded knowingly and went back to sipping his tea.


End file.
